Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
