I heard we made out
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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