why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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