my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
