So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
