I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Send help, water and tortillas.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
