cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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