He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
