Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
