I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
