just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
