I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
