I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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