I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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