I love black thongs
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Randomize
