Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
