i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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