Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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