He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
