i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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