The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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