Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
