I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
