someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
