I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize