There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
