mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
