I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize