my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
