as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
