last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
