Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
