pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
