How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
