My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
