i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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