Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
