I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
