hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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