Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
