You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
But we have bathrooms and they dont
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
