Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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