Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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