I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
