i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
