I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
i now understand why vodka
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize