Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
