you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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