Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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