I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
