dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
