just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
