I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
