Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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