my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
