my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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