Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
