for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
